No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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