Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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