How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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