Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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