sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
