it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You can't just leave with hair like that
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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