I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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