You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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