good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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