I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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