The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
