my phone needs a breathalizer
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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