just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
