Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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