I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
