i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize