my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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