Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
