I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I stole a fireplace last night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
MIDGETS
????
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
