I cannot find my penis.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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