Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
