Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
