my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
