I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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