So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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