Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
