I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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