I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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