I am puke
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize