Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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