I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
