when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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