I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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