please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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