i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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