her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
