i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
