he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
