What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
