it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
