You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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