How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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