my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
