I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am available for nakedness
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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