I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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