The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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