You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
