bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
