dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
