Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
