Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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