I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
