we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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