All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
