and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize